- May 12th, 2013
Another update! Moved, again. That seems to be a constant promise. I can never seem to sit still in one building for too long or else I get fussy and wanderlust-y. This time, I brought a lovely lady with me. Her name is Red and she is... Something new, to me. New in the way that I feel different things with her than I do with most people. Most people tend to inspire feelings of disappointment, either in them or in me. That, or a lack of interest whatsoever. With her, I feel... funny. I like that she makes me try to impress her, by way of showing her more of myself. I've tried to impress others, and failed, due to the desire to appease whatever role they needed to be filled at the time. That's never a smart tactic, by the way. I get to be myself, for all of my anxiety and my fears and my uncomfortable ease, and she enjoys me for all of those things and in between. It's strange.
I've never had a relationship last this long, or under these terms. I'm legitimately happy and I have not once deviated from being myself to appease her. Nor she to me, as far as I can tell. A genuine companionship. Who knew...
Anyway, we live together now. She even sleeps next to me. Even better.
New job. Menial work, that I didn't think I'd like, but when you work with the people I work with, even food service can be enjoyable. I wear a white apron and get grease and dishwater on it to announce my role as a short order cook. Red works as a waitress, though not where I work. She's more upscale than that.
Between the ventures of working and running after Red as she chases the next thrilling bit of fun, I have taken up public speaking. Nothing in any big venues or pavilions, though I am told that I could speak in such grand theaters if I had a bit more experience under my belt. I continue to write, it always being the backbone of my passion, but I haven't written anything like I have Back When for years. A shame, really.
Also, I am going to be building a couch soon. I've built bookshelves and desks and display racks and tables before but a couch is something new and challenging. I will make it a patterned orange, maybe, to compliment the armchair we have. Maybe. Maybe.
On the transgender path, I've gone through a lot. Emotional and physical. Last entry had a bit about the initial steps one takes, and that was about a year ago, now that I'm looking it over. I've since gone Full Time, in which I have legally changed my name, started taking regular testosterone injections, grown a nice beard, sound like I've hit puberty a second time, and can Stealth (blend in) like any other guy. The other transfolk in my group are somewhat different than myself, in the way that they have not yet found their center. Inner peace is wonderful and makes living life day to day much easier than throwing a fit over everything. The negative drama is almost completely gone, but one cannot go through life without a small amount of it. It's unavoidable. I hope my Brothers and Sisters can find serenity. The suffering part of the Before of a person's transition is sometimes enough to make one look into the darker side of living.
Found out there was a statistic that stated over 50% of transfolk attempt, not just contemplate, but attempt suicide. Not being able to be yourself in public because of some social standard of what is Normal is bullshit, my friends. And none too kind on the mind, either. Getting out of that hole took me a very, very long time, but it's so much easier to breathe once you're out.
Next week, I get my gender marker changed.