the mysterious mister e

headfulofsand


Take your time, don't live too fast;

troubles will come, and they will pass.


[ a new beginning ]
the mysterious mister e
headfulofsand
Welcome to my journal!

Here, you'll be able to keep up with the various things that are going on, and be able to give feedback to open entries, thus creating a constructive forum. However, trolls be warned. I have a ban-hammer and I'm not afraid to use it. >:B

Tags you can jump to ::

I'll add more later, probably.

Thanks, and enjoy!
- E
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On to the next stepping stone.
the mysterious mister e
headfulofsand
Another update! Moved, again. That seems to be a constant promise. I can never seem to sit still in one building for too long or else I get fussy and wanderlust-y. This time, I brought a lovely lady with me. Her name is Red and she is... Something new, to me. New in the way that I feel different things with her than I do with most people. Most people tend to inspire feelings of disappointment, either in them or in me. That, or a lack of interest whatsoever. With her, I feel... funny. I like that she makes me try to impress her, by way of showing her more of myself. I've tried to impress others, and failed, due to the desire to appease whatever role they needed to be filled at the time. That's never a smart tactic, by the way. I get to be myself, for all of my anxiety and my fears and my uncomfortable ease, and she enjoys me for all of those things and in between. It's strange.

I've never had a relationship last this long, or under these terms. I'm legitimately happy and I have not once deviated from being myself to appease her. Nor she to me, as far as I can tell. A genuine companionship. Who knew...

Anyway, we live together now. She even sleeps next to me. Even better.

New job. Menial work, that I didn't think I'd like, but when you work with the people I work with, even food service can be enjoyable. I wear a white apron and get grease and dishwater on it to announce my role as a short order cook. Red works as a waitress, though not where I work. She's more upscale than that.

Between the ventures of working and running after Red as she chases the next thrilling bit of fun, I have taken up public speaking. Nothing in any big venues or pavilions, though I am told that I could speak in such grand theaters if I had a bit more experience under my belt. I continue to write, it always being the backbone of my passion, but I haven't written anything like I have Back When for years. A shame, really.

Also, I am going to be building a couch soon. I've built bookshelves and desks and display racks and tables before but a couch is something new and challenging. I will make it a patterned orange, maybe, to compliment the armchair we have. Maybe. Maybe.

On the transgender path, I've gone through a lot. Emotional and physical. Last entry had a bit about the initial steps one takes, and that was about a year ago, now that I'm looking it over. I've since gone Full Time, in which I have legally changed my name, started taking regular testosterone injections, grown a nice beard, sound like I've hit puberty a second time, and can Stealth (blend in) like any other guy. The other transfolk in my group are somewhat different than myself, in the way that they have not yet found their center. Inner peace is wonderful and makes living life day to day much easier than throwing a fit over everything. The negative drama is almost completely gone, but one cannot go through life without a small amount of it. It's unavoidable. I hope my Brothers and Sisters can find serenity. The suffering part of the Before of a person's transition is sometimes enough to make one look into the darker side of living.

Found out there was a statistic that stated over 50% of transfolk attempt, not just contemplate, but attempt suicide. Not being able to be yourself in public because of some social standard of what is Normal is bullshit, my friends. And none too kind on the mind, either. Getting out of that hole took me a very, very long time, but it's so much easier to breathe once you're out.

Next week, I get my gender marker changed.

Until then,
E out.

MY HEAD IS FULL OF BEES
asdgadf
headfulofsand
I can't concentrate on anything for longer than a handful of minutes, it seems. One thought leads to another, ideas turning into tangents. But, it's a good thing, really. I like thinking about my life, without the distraction of fantasizing over something unreal.

Let's see. Let's see. ...Ah, yes! I started seeing a gender therapist, and have even joined a support group for transgender people. I'm the only transman there, but it's nice to hear the similarities between the girls and I, in our 'before' stages. They're all way farther along in their transition than I am, too. It's almost amusing how I find myself feeling more similar to the older generations that attend the meetings than I do the younger ones, or even those of my own age. An old spirit in a young mind.

This Friday I go to the doctor's office for some bloodwork, so I can start T (Testosterone). I'm actually really excited, even though I'm a bit strapped for cash lately. I know I get afford it, but it'll mean no free spending for a couple months. Nothing I haven't done before.

Last time, I spoke of my ideas for a screenplay. It was about the Clockwerkers, which has since slipped beneath my desire to make my little Project: Titan thing into something much more. I think I might actually start outlining it. No matter what new idea comes along, the science fiction pieces always remain after the others have gone. I don't really know what it'll turn into, but it'll be neat to work with it.

Though, I look back at that last update, and I get pretty sad. Hank, my dog of five years, ate something that caused a very quick onset of renal failure. This happened last week, and it hit so hard. He wouldn't eat or drink anything for two days before I took him to the vet. It's still a really touchy subject. I fuckin' loved that dumb dog, and I ended up watching him go while he was still in my arms. I've been debating asking the woman whose dog Hank knocked up for one of the puppies, but I don't know if my heart can handle it right now.

Moving on, because I need to, I've been reunited with my good buddy, Ethan, who is still the same amazing person he was when we had parted ways about two years ago. Oddly enough, Steven, another amazing person I had lost touch with, came back to the usual scene and we rekindled our friendship after much conversation. Those two have always been such incredible minds in my eyes, and I'm a sucker for an insightful spirit. It's good to have them back, and it's probably what I really need to get past losing Hank.

...And I don't what else to write about, so I'll just leave it at that.

Until next time,
E out.

OHAI
helo
headfulofsand
Once again, I've completely forgotten about this blog. No surprise there, considering I have the memory of a dying goldfish.

LET'S UPDATE!! (Yeah!)

I've come to terms with my Gender Identity, and the planning of my life to follow suit. After admitting that I was Not Like The Others, the decision was made to stop trying to fool myself with gender roles and trying to continue to play at something I never felt I was naturally. Despite having no idea where to begin, I'm going to see if going through the Gender Reassignment Surgery is really the best option for me.

To be honest, though, the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. Fantasizing about how much my life will change or advance is nice and everything, but I need more insight from people who have already gone through the transition, and have lived out their real lives some. Dredging up some old half-assed translated website that was run through the auto-generate feature of some webpage builder from the 90's doesn't exactly fill my mind with what should be up-to-par practices and testimonials.

I was told to find a gender therapist here, in town, so that's the most current step of this. If only I can find one within my price range. Oi vey.

Months and months ago, I began cooking up an idea to start a screenplay on, since my college life is soon coming to a close. I was thinking about the lives of some of my characters from the various RP games I've been a part of over the years, and one group stands out the most in my mind: The Clockwerkers. To those who aren't a part of it, the Clockwerkers is an organization of people who are hired to fix time and the events that are made during that timeline. It all revolves a world that is slightly more fantasy than the usual modern fiction. Depending on whose story I commit to first, it may end up as a movie screenplay or a web-series screenplay. From there, who knows? I might make more.

What else? What else? ... OH YEAH. MOVING. I'm moving out and away from my room-mates this summer, and will be going through another change of location. I've already stored some acorns away for the initial move, but I need to start looking for better paying jobs if I plan to keep whatever meager residence I find.

Other than that, Hank is good. He's knocked the setter mix ladyhound down the hallway and we're pretty sure that they're his. Because my dog humps everything. :|

And that's all for now. I'll try to come back and post more actual content.

- E out
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[ PROJECT: TITAN ] Chapter One
home sweet home
headfulofsand
Mister Sandman, Bring Me a Dream...Collapse )

[ messin' around ]
the mysterious mister e
headfulofsand
It's really neat when random things happen on film, and they turn out really cool. LIKE THIS.

the little thingsCollapse )
Tags:

[ pamela ]
helo
headfulofsand
I've been messing around with my lil' sister's Nikon D60, and it's pretty cool. I took a picture of my favorite little girl, Pamela.

our love fell out of winter, along with the leaves, and bloomed into spring, taking all of our chances and all of our dreams and turned 'em into possibilitiesCollapse )

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